The Birds, the Bees, and So Forth
by Ellcrys
Summary: Being nearly a surrogate parent for tenyearold Tir McDohl, Gremio has had to deal with some difficult situations... but never one so awkward as this.


_**Warnings/Disclaimer:**  
* I don't have Suikoden 3 yet, so... ff.net must suffer through more of my Suikoden 1 fic! This story is pre-game, spoiler-free, and entirely pointless, as it is basically me elaborating on a thought that I had that rather amused me, about just what Gremio might have gotten himself into while he was raising his Young Master. Hopefully this will amuse someone else, too.  
* Rated PG-13 because uhm, if you haven't had this talk with your own parents, Gremio does not want to have to explain it to you any more than he did Tir. If your parents haven't told you about "the birds and the bees", go ask them! I'm sure they'll be happy you asked. Yep.  
* Characters are property of Konami, until I take over the company and claim Gremio (and Viktor) for my own, and rascally-Ted can be blamed on Kitarin._

* * *

**The Birds, the Bees, and So Forth**

"Gremio?" 

He barely looked up from the mushrooms he was slicing, in preparation for the night's dinner, as his ten-year-old charge entered the kitchen. "Yes, Young Master?" 

"What else does 'sleeping with' someone mean? Other than just sleeping with them, I mean." 

Gremio, who had been dumping the sliced mushrooms into the skillet, abruptly dropped the chopping block on his foot. He managed to keep his exclamation to a single embarrassing yelp, though he winced as he retrieved it; fortunately most of the mushrooms had made it into the skillet before he'd dropped it. "W-why do you ask...?" 

Tir knelt to help him pick up the few scattered mushroom pieces without being asked. "I asked Pahn where Cleo was, and he looked mad and said something like she was probably sleeping with Alen. So I asked why she'd be sleeping when it's not even dinnertime yet-" 

Gremio's jaw dropped - Cleo and _Alen?_ - but again, he kept his reaction to a minimum as he listened to what Tir was saying. 

"-and Pahn looked at me like he'd just said something he shouldn't, and I asked him if it was really that bad. Because you know, maybe it's kind of embarrassing to sleep with someone when you're that old, but I still sleep with you if I have a really bad dream, so..." He paused, looking at Gremio curiously as they dropped the fallen mushroom bits into the trash barrel. "Then he turned red, just like you are now, and said sometimes sleeping with someone doesn't mean actually sleeping. And when I asked what it means then, he said I should go ask you, because you'd be able to explain better than he could." 

"Thank you ever so much, Pahn," Gremio muttered to himself, resting his head in his hands as he sat down at the table. Yes, just as Tir had said, he could feel his cheeks burning hot. When Master Teo had taken him on as a guardian for his son, Gremio had been prepared to clean up after him, watch over him when sick, teach him proper manners, and protect him from anyone who sought to harm him - but he'd certainly not expected he'd have to answer questions like this. 

Tir was still looking at him curiously, and Gremio sighed. "Sometimes... when people say that someone is 'sleeping with' someone... they mean that they are doing..." He stopped, faltering for words. "...Things... other than sleeping." 

"Like what?" 

"Things that a boy your age has no need to know about," Gremio said, lightly but firmly, and rose from the table. He had to chop the shallots and put them in the skillet with the mushrooms before the wine boiled off, after all. "Adult things." 

"Like what?" Tir repeated, following him to the counter. 

"As I said, nothing you need to be concerned about yet," Gremio told him. "When you are older, you will learn." 

Tir frowned, looking up at him. "But Father says I'm smart for my age, and I want to know everything I can, so when I get older I can be a great soldier like he is. Why can't I learn now?" 

"Oh, dear Young Master..." Gremio murmured, sparing an arm from the chopping of the shallots to put an arm around his shoulders, hugging him gently. "Some things come only with age, I'm afraid." 

"Then why did Pahn tell me that you could explain it?" Tir looked up at him suspiciously despite the hug. "You can, can't you?" 

"Er, I could," Gremio admitted, turning back to his dinner preparations. "But I don't think now is a good time..." 

Tir's frown grew sulkier, almost a pout. "I think you just don't want to tell me, and I don't know why." 

"It simply isn't something you need to be taught at such an age-" 

"Is Cleo doing something bad?" 

Gremio hesitated, trying to think how he could answer that without giving his honest opinion. "Cleo is a grown woman, and may do as she pleases," he told the boy, rather proud of the neutrality of the answer - after all, he was quite well aware that Cleo thought of him as a bit prudish for a former soldier. 

Tir grew even more sulky. "When will I be old enough to learn for myself?" 

"Er... it comes at a different time for everyone, I suppose you might say..." Gremio mumbled. "Another couple of years, probably..." 

"A couple of years?" Tir asked, suddenly brightening. He turned away from Gremio. "I'll go ask Ted - he's a couple of years older than-" 

"Y-Young Master!" Rather than the commanding tone of voice Gremio would have preferred to use, it came out as a nervous protest, and he grabbed hold of the back of the boy's shirt as he pulled away. Yes, Ted probably would know, and would be happy to explain - the lad was a bit of a rascal sometimes. As much as Gremio was grateful to Ted for being Tir's best friend and a generally good boy, Ted was certainly not the person he would want to have explaining the facts of life to his Young Master. 

Tir was looking up at him, his big dark eyes confused, and Gremio sighed. "Sit down, Young Master," he said at last, pulling a chair over towards the counter. "I will explain, if you simply must know now." 

Finally satisfied, Tir did as he asked, leaning forward attentively, and Gremio found himself lost for words. "...But where to begin?" he lamented softly. 

Tir waited patiently, and after a few moments' thought, Gremio turned back to slicing the shallots; it would be easier to talk about such things if he kept his mind on other tasks as well. "...You do know about the, ah, differences between boys and girls, don't you? Their bodies, that is?" 

"Of course I do." Tir sounded almost insulted. "I'm not a baby." 

"A-all right then..." Gremio thought how best to continue, and he found that Tir had given him a good opening. "As a matter of fact... the differences between boys and girls are how babies are made. When a man and a woman are 'sleeping together', as Pahn put it, they are... doing the thing that... makes babies," Gremio finished helplessly, hoping Tir would leave it at that. 

Tir's eyes grew wide. "Cleo's going to have a baby?" 

"No!" Gremio exclaimed quickly, nearly knocking the skillet off the stove as he turned to Tir in alarm. "No, no, no! Heaven forbid..." As much as he respected Cleo, she was not really the maternal type at this point; and as much as he loved Tir, he had no desire to add another young child to the household. 

Slightly taken aback, Tir looked up at Gremio in confusion, and Gremio shook his head slightly, turning back to the counter. "...No," he repeated more calmly. "At least, I don't believe that is her intention, and I should hope that nothing unfortunate happens to make it otherwise." 

"But you said they were doing the thing that makes babies," Tir reasoned. "Why would they do something like that if they didn't want a baby?" 

Gremio found himself fumbling for words. "Because... it is a way of showing love... of sharing a degree of closeness that... that can only be found between a man and a woman who love each other very much." 

"Wow..." Tir appeared impressed. "Cleo really loves Alen that much, then?" 

Again, Gremio tried to come up with a way to put it that would not sound insulting. "P-perhaps," he managed. "But also... it feels very good," he replied bluntly. "Many people do it not out of love, or from the desire for children, but because it feels very good. If you ask me, that is not a good reason to do it - it causes many complications if done without thought. Such as babies," he added quickly. If Cleo did end up with child... he had no idea what he would do. Not to mention Master Teo... 

Tir looked thoughtful. "Father told me that babies are made when a man and a woman love each other, though - so how can a baby be made if..." 

"Most of the time, yes..." Gremio brushed the chopped shallots into the skillet with the mushrooms and sauce, and gave it a stir. There was no way, he supposed, that he was going to have to avoid a detailed explanation - his Young Master was persistant, thorough, and unusually bright. These traits would serve him well when he followed in his father's footsteps, he supposed, but they made it rather difficult to say no to him for very long about anything at all. 

"All right then, Young Master," he began finally, pulling a second chair over to sit in front of Tir. "Do you remember how earlier I mentioned the, er, physical differences between boys and girls?" 

Tir nodded, apparently thinking. "You said it was how babies are made..." 

"Yes, well..." 

He stopped before he could get any further. Tir remained sitting there before him, leaning forward slightly, looking at him with innocent attentiveness in his childish expression, and at last Gremio shook his head, rising from his chair. "I need to stir the sauce," he mumbled, turning away to the stove. He simply could not look Tir in the eye during this conversation. 

Tir gave him an impatient sigh. "Gremio..." 

"All right, all right," Gremio told him, carefully stirring the sauce. It didn't need this much stirring by any means, but it was something else to focus on. "You see... it is not the love itself that makes a baby, but rather the physical act that often accompanies it. When a man loves a woman... in a certain way... his, er... boy parts... can become... excited." 

He got no further questions from behind him, though he could imagine the puzzled look that was probably on his Young Master's face anyhow. "And when this happens," Gremio continued, grateful for the excuse of making dinner to keep Tir from seeing him turning red, "if the woman is... of the same mind... often she will allow him to do as he desires, and... i-insert his, ah, boy parts, if you will... into her... girl parts." 

There was still no word from behind him, and he turned for a moment. The precise look he'd expected to see was on Tir's face, but with just an edge of disgust. "That sounds... sort of gross." 

Somehow, such an honest, innocent reaction relieved Gremio a great deal, and he laughed softly. "To be honest... it is a bit, yes." 

"But people do it anyway because it feels good." 

"Yes," Gremio agreed. "But also because it is a bond - a very special bond between two people. A joining of the bodies symbolic of the twining of their hearts, which is why it is commonly referred to as 'making love'..." He was getting a bit emotional, he realized, rather than logical, and he stopped short. "In an ideal relationship, anyhow. As you guessed, there are many people who do it just because it feels good. Very, very good - and sometimes a man or a woman will crave this kind of contact without being deeply attached to another. In such a case, it is not unusual to... seek after the physical bond without the spiritual," he finished. "In that case, it is not so much 'making love' as... as Pahn said, 'sleeping together'." 

He glanced over his shoulder again to find Tir regarding him with a skeptical expression. "So why is it called sleeping together at all, if it's not sleeping?" 

Gremio sighed. "Basically because most people find that the most comfortable place to do this is in a bed, and it can be very exhausting... Often they do fall asleep together afterwards, although not always." 

"Exhausting? I thought you said it felt good..." 

"I-I did," Gremio stammered, trying to think of a way to explain without going into too much detail. The sauce would not turn out right if he kept on stirring it, he realized, and so he sat down across from Tir again, trying not to blush too badly. "You see, simply... inserting... is not all there is to it. The, er, insertion... causes both the man and the woman to... feel very good. So good that they make an effort to feel better and better... until they feel so good that... that the man's body expresses his excitement by, ah... planting a seed, so to speak, deep within the woman's body. That seed, accepted by the woman's body, is what can grow into a baby, given time. It takes a great deal out of him, and as her body accepts it, the woman is often worn out too. But it is a good kind of exhaustion... for instance, the way you feel after you've been training with Pahn or Kai, and you have no energy left, and every muscle in your body aches, but even so, you feel..." He paused, searching for the right word. "...Powerful. And very relaxed." 

Tir had been listening in thoughtful silence. "Have you ever done this, Gremio?" 

Gremio nearly choked. "That is n-none of your business!" he exclaimed quickly, getting up from his chair before Tir could see his face turning redder. "I-if you'll excuse me, I m-must check on the fish..." At least, he thought as he took a glance at the night's dinner, nearly sticking his head in the oven gave him an excuse to feel uncomfortably hot. 

"...I'm sorry," came a soft apology behind him, and Gremio sighed. It wasn't the boy's fault he didn't know anything about this - he'd been raised in the city, and he'd never been exposed to such things in nature like Gremio had, growing up in a country village. It was actually rather endearing, he thought, that Tir had no sense of shame about the subject, and it was still clean to him. If a bit "gross", Gremio remembered, and his shoulders shook in silent laughter in spite of himself. 

"I am sorry too, Young Master, for speaking to you sharply," he told Tir softly, straightening and turning back to sit down across from him. "You see, this is a very private thing we are discussing - something that should remain between the two people involved. It is not something to be discussed openly, and I believe Pahn knows himself that he should not have said anything about Cleo and Alen. Why, he wouldn't know for certain if such a thing happened, would he?" 

Tir shook his head. "I guess not..." 

"So you see," Gremio continued, "it would be best not to repeat what Pahn said, because it would be very impolite. And also, if you hear talk like this about anyone at all, I suggest that you take it with a grain of salt - and certainly don't join in the spreading of rumors yourself." 

"I won't." He still looked like he was thinking rather hard, and Gremio could imagine what his curious mind was going over. 

Even so, he seemed content with what explanation he'd been given, and Gremio stood to attend to dinner again. The wine was boiling off a bit too quickly thanks to his stirring, and so the mushrooms had not been browned as much as they should have been, but they would be fine, he decided as he added a bit more stock to the mixture and moved it to a back burner. Now, to begin the rice - another pot was already heated on the back of the stove, and he moved it to the recently vacated spot to bring it to full boil. 

"Gremio...?" Tir's voice was slightly puzzled. "I know you said I shouldn't spread rumors, but... there's something I don't understand..." 

"Yes, it's a complicated subject." They had gotten this far, Gremio reasoned, so he could no doubt handle debunking or confirming some kind of rumor. "What is it you don't understand?" 

"Well..." Tir hesitated. "It's just that I've heard people talk about General Milich sleeping with other men. And I always thought they talked about it like it was funny just because he's a general and he shouldn't get scared at night like I do, and that _would_ be funny... but if 'sleeping with' means something else, too... and the way they were talking I think maybe that's what they meant..." 

"Oh, sweet heaven," Gremio murmured, covering his face with his hands, but Tir continued. 

"I mean, if he's a man, and the other person is a man, there aren't any girl parts, right? How does that work?" He stopped, and waited for an answer. "...Gremio?" 

His face still covered helplessly, Gremio let out a sigh that was almost a sob. "I am no expert on such things, Young Master, and I'm sorry - but _that_ particular topic is something I will not discuss. Now, if you please... I need to put our dinner together, and you should go wash up." 

"All right." Tir dropped the subject easily. "Can Ted come over for dinner tonight? I'm sorry I forgot to ask earlier." 

Gremio waved one hand vaguely. "Yes, yes, of course, we should have enough..." he mumbled. Just as long as Tir didn't ask him any more questions like that. 

Once the boy had gone, Gremio measured out the rice, adding a bit extra since Ted would be eating as well, and poured it into the boiling water. The red wine sauce appeared to be ready, from the look and the taste, and he took the skillet from the stove, pouring it into a serving dish. 

The fish and the rice each needed a few more minutes, and so Gremio sat down at the table to wait, resting his chin in his hands tiredly. Thank goodness Tir had been content with what answers he'd received, but... 

The bottle of red wine sitting open on the counter caught his eye, and after a moment's deliberation, Gremio poured himself a cup and gulped half of it in a rush. That conversation had been the most uncomfortable one he'd had in years, he thought as he sank back into his chair at the table, the cup of wine kept close at hand. 

That was how Master Teo found him a few minutes later, returning from his business at the palace. He paused at the sight; though Gremio had come of age to drink legally a year ago, he never did. "Gremio, is something wrong? You look... a bit flustered." 

"Oh... Master Teo..." Gremio looked up, and his face grew hot again as he realized he'd better explain this before his master found out about this talk he'd had with Tir in some other way. "Nothing's the matter, no, b-but... Tir came to me today, just a bit ago, with some difficult questions..." 

"Difficult questions?" Teo repeated, furrowing his eyebrows. "Explain, if you please." 

"Ahh... about boys and girls..." That didn't really answer the question, and Gremio tried to find a good way to put it. "The birds, the bees... and so forth." 

Teo stared at him in disbelief, and Gremio wondered if he'd done something very wrong. "I-I didn't m-mean to say anything to him," he added quickly. "H-he said he would just ask someone else if I didn't tell him, y-you see, and... I know it wasn't my place, but..." 

Without a word, Teo crossed the room to the bottle of red wine, and poured himself a cup as well. Bringing it back to the small table, along with the other chair, he sat down next to Gremio, sinking his head into one hand - and began laughing quietly. "Oh, Gremio..." 

"Y-you're not angry... are you, Master?" 

Teo shook his head, still chuckling under his breath, and took a long drink from his own cup. "On the contrary - you've saved _me_ from having to give him that talk, and I'm grateful. Especially since I know you, and I can imagine how you stammered and blushed your way through it. With that in mind, there's no one I'd rather have had explain such a sensitive subject to Tir - I trust you not to have given him any... strange ideas." 

"Th-thank you, Master Teo," Gremio said, well aware that he was _still_ stammering and blushing. 

He took another sip of his wine, as did Teo. "So my boy is growing up," Teo mused. "The time flies..." 

Suddenly something occurred to Gremio. "Sir, I should warn you... I'm afraid he might still come to you with some questions." 

"Oh?" Teo took another long drink from his cup. "You couldn't bring yourself to answer all of his questions, I take it." 

"Not quite all of them..." Gremio cringed. "After I explained, er, what boys and girls do... h-he was rather confused by the rumors he'd heard about General Milich Oppenheimer, Sir." 

Although General Teo McDohl was reknowned for his bravery on the battlefield, Gremio saw his face go slightly pale. "...Bloody hell." 


End file.
